Most of us can agree that festivals by and large are well fun, but if you've been to one yourself you'll know that the experience of sharing a relatively small space with 60,000 other people can at times be rather challenging. Largely because people who you don't know can be really fucking annoying. After my second experience of Bestival this week, I compiled a list of 10 of the worst types of people you're forced to share oxygen with. Here they are:
1) Couples - I realise that not all couples are like this, but if you're unfortunate enough to end up with a particularly affectionate pair in front of you it can really hinder your experience of an otherwise enjoyable performance. Aside from the fact that an overzealous game of tonsil tennis right in front of you can be quite distracting, the fact that they constantly insist on being stood one in front of the other with arms wrapped around the waist whispering sweet nothings in each others ears is really annoying in a crowd; you've barely got room to breathe on your own, so resenting the lovebirds in their little bubble of sickening happiness is only reasonable.
2) The Alcohol Show Off - There's always one person bragging about how much alcohol they've got and/or drunk or how much it's going to take to get them drunk. Let me tell you, bragging about how you're going to need 'Two bottles of Rose, Jack Daniels, and Vodka' to get you 'absolutely wasted' as I overheard one girl telling her friend, makes you sound like an absolute bellend. No one needs that much, not unless you really want alcohol poisoning.
3) Posh girls - Yes, compared to a lot of people I may seem like one of the posh girls I'm talking about; however I would say I am well spoken, and the girls i'm talking about are the type to say 'so effing rah' and are only really slumming it in a tent just for the status of saying they've been to a festival. You're most likely to hear them complaining, probably about the tent, the cold, or attempting to take arty potential profile pictures on their £400 Canon looking like they're having a 'toadally fab time', and not actually going back to a seven-bedroom mansion in Surrey.
4) The Inconsiderate Early Riser - It's quite difficult to have a lie-in in a tent, mostly due to the sun coming in as it rises, which is pretty early during the summer months. Fair enough if you can't get back to sleep and pop off to get yourself a cup of tea, but it is beyond comprehension how some people (presumably over the age of 18), still feel it is acceptable to, in a 'let's wake mummy and daddy' up kind of fashion, seemingly go out of their way to wake everyone else up from their hungover slumber. One cretin in the tent next to mine thought it would make them friends by setting off a foghorn repeatedly at the crack of dawn, which, if there were a report of death at Bestival, was probably someone stabbing them with a tent peg for the good of humanity.
5) The Phantom Shitter - The portaloos are probably the worst thing about camping, everyone knows that, but everyone gets on with it and we all try and keep them in as good a condition as possible to make the experience as pleasant as possible, right? No, wrong apparently. By day two or three the toilets are an absolute state, often with feces inexplicably spread anywhere besides where it's supposed to go. If someone could tell me who actually manages to shit, presumably in their hands, and chooses to wipe it all over the walls I'd be quite interested to know. Actually no, I wouldn't.
6) People chains - It's easy to lose your pals in a crowd, and with limited phone use the best thing you can do is hold on to each other. Which is fine, let me be clear, I did it with my two other friends whilst weaving through people to get out of a crowd. The issue is when you choose to let a chain of people past you, which you assume is going to be a maximum of five people, turns out to be a mammoth chain of 10+, and by the time they've passed you you've basically missed a whole song. I don't really have an alternative if you're in a large group but it is nonetheless irritating.
7) Gazebo wankers - Unless you arrive at the festival site at 9am when it opens, finding a space to pitch your tent can be quite stressful, and you're inevitably going to end up shoulder to shoulder with your neighbours. So as you're dragging your tent, tired and angry, desperately searching for a space that isn't a 30 minute walk away, nothing screams 'Fuck you, i'm a selfish arsehole' than walking past a group of people taking up a tent-sized space with a fucking gazebo. No, you do not need it for when you're sat outside socialising, sit in your tent, or go and sit in the arena and watch some music like you've presumably come here for. I'm quite for the idea that gazebos at festivals should be banned actually.
8) Miss Oblivious-of-personal-space - I say Miss, not Mr, because let's be honest, it's usually girls that do this. You know when you're stood in a crowd and you're expectedly brushed by the people stood in close proximity with you, but you get that one girl who goes a bit too hard with throwing shapes and repeatedly elbows/shoulders/kicks you? That's Miss Oblivious-of-personal-space. It's hard to tell whether this girl is either stupid or just rude, but either way a stream of dirty looks on your own part is not enough to end her plight, let me tell you.
9) Girls on shoulders - Similar to Miss Oblivious, girls on the shoulders of men magically lose control of their lower limbs and end up kicking all those around them in the head. They also usually have a very high-pitched, annoying fan girl scream. I was unlucky enough to be stood next to one of these girls who, in the spirit of the nautical theme, was wearing a sizeable fish tail on her back end, which, when I wasn't being kicked by her Hunter wellies, was flapping around my face. Avoid at all costs where possible.
10) Parents with young children - If I'm honest, the likes of buggies, screeching young children and mothers that for some reason believe they have spacial priority are not my favourite things in a normal environment, let alone a festival. It's quite beyond me why people choose to take young children to festivals in the first place to be honest; they're too young to appreciate it anyway, but alas parents still do and if you're unlucky enough to pitch your tent next to a family with young children like I was last year, you'll be blessed with early morning wake up screeches of 'MUMMAAYYYY' and being told to move your tent because they won't be able to get past with their buggy. I rest my case, families this is not the place for you.
I realise most of these are girls, but unfortunately females happen to annoy me infinitely more than men do, but that is because girls are innately annoying. We just can't help it. I also apologise for swearing more than usual, I don't like to usually in blog posts but annoying people really set off my swearing bomb (sorry mum). Also, despite what it looks like, I had an absolutely incredible time at Bestival, i'd still hugely recommend it.
-PB
